Autism

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(Disclaimer) I am writing this because when people ask me about my condition, it is very difficult to explain in a few sentences and it would be stupid to tell them to look it up as Autism is a wide spectrum of things. Alot of this might sound depressing to some people, but I am quite happy in my life, so this blog is not for pity. It's more of an insight.

Autism

It's a bitch ain't it? You could describe my specific case as Aspergers as I have no learning difficulties, however that would be debatable because alot of my behaviour does not follow the set standard for Aspergers. I prefer to call it High Functioning Autism.

I was diagnosed with it in the beginning of 2007, before that I was lost as to what to call it.
I'd like not to dwell on the past however, as that is not who I am now as many of my friends and family will agree.

My Autism generally consists of 3 sections:

OCD

Social Anxiety

Agoraphobia

My OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) even to this day is crazy. I hate it. Here is a list of things that I do, which are annoying:

• I can't stop playing the guitar, even when i'm tired of playing it, I can't put it down. I watch the TV and play it and it annoys me like FUCK.
  
• In the shower (I shower in general twice a day), I have to brush my teeth first, shampoo (every day), condition (every two days) and then shower gel ALOT. Before I got an electric toothbrush however, I brushed my teeth in the shower while I shampooed and conditioned my hair.
  
• The pots...oh God...the pots. I need a full bowl of water with only plates and cutlery, they then have to be cleaned one by one with much effort and elbow grease, it can take hours sometimes. I then make another bowl of water which I clean pans, cups and glasses, this process is easier, but still very dull. It's not rare that when Lisa does the pots, I have to redo them.
  
• DVDs are in alphabetical order, unless Lisa slips a D into an A. That wasn't innuendo, she really fucks my routine up ALOT.
  
• In general my apartment is clean. I clean everyday. It's a nightmare.
• I bite my nails till they bleed. It can be painful to play guitar.
  
• My hands need to be clean at all times, which also fucks up my guitar playing as my fingertips over the years have been "hardened" but because of excessive water use, they get softened, thus painful fingers when I play.
  
• I have multiples of the same clothes. 5 black Tshirts, Pyjamas etc etc, same brand, same everything.
• From the age of 4, i've been obsessed with Michael Jackson.
• From the age of 8, i've been obsessed with Yo-Yo.
• From the age of 14, i've been obsessed with guitar.
  
• I'm still obsessed with MJ and Guitar, the Yo-Yo is just something I do from time to time.
  

Everybody has a lot of those bullet points, to some extent at least. But all of them for me are a huge pain in the ass that I can't get away from. There are more aswell, but it's late and as much as I love lists, I also have a significant other who is kinda needy.

Social Anxiety

The biggest thing that my Autism affects is my ability to interact with people. I have difficulty talking on the phone and in person, I get very agitated and so I avoid meeting people at all costs. To put it in perspective, imagine your biggest fear or phobia (like spiders or snakes) and try and deal with that every day of your life with it never getting better.

My problem with people has been with me since birth and will never leave me. I have good days and bad days, mostly bad. I can't look anyone in the eyes, I stutter alot, I say stupid shit, my heart races, I fiddle, I bite my nails, I look down, I try and distract myself. Having a conversation with me, (unless I feel I know you) is impossible.

Agoraphobia

This is actually very closely related to the social anxiety. To quote Wikipedia:

"Agoraphobia is a condition where the sufferer becomes anxious in environments that are unfamiliar or where he or she perceives that they have little control."

The jury is still out on whether to call it "Agoraphobia" or not, but it's the closest thing we've found that pinpoints this part of my Autism.

It basically started as I was becoming a teenager, I went out less and less, until I became what others would describe as a "hermit". I rarely left the house and it would be a major problem if I had to (for appointments and such). We kinda figured it might have something to do with where we lived (Manchester), so we moved to Sutton-in-Ashfield, Nottinghamshire. Unfortunately, that didn't help much at all...I did have help from a nurse for a couple of years, but I made little progress.

That brings us to today, to go from Notts to Sweden is for another blog post I think, but I can go into a bit of detail of how the "Agoraphobia" got better.
I basically met Lisa and that gave me the push I needed. That's the short answer I suppose, so here's the long one:

My nurse took me out for walks and it got me used to the area that I lived in I suppose and then I met Lisa, so everytime she came to my place from Sweden, we'd go out pretty much everyday...but only at the quietest times. This was tough as it was hard to work out when the most or least amount of people would be out, so we had some difficult experiences. I don't know if you understand what people from Sutton are like, but put it this way...they like to push passed you, they like to shout things from across the road like "Fat cunt" and they like to get drunk...alot, so if we went out while it was busy, we didn't have a good time.

However, we did have an awful lot of good times, especially the long walks to Silverhill where the scenery was breathtaking, or the shorter walks to the cemetary where it was extra quiet so we could sit down on the benches and just relax. Eventually I could even start going out with my mum and we also had good times.

Now that I'm in Sweden it's touch and go really. It took a while to get used to this place (especially the people), we stick to the same routes when we go for walks but I feel it's alot safer than England. Not knowing how to speak the language might be tough, I haven't encountered enough people to really grasp HOW tough though, they all speak English pretty much, but I can't just expect these people to speak English for my benefit...when in Rome right? I'll talk more about my walks in Sweden in another blog as it's a work in progress.

To summarize; me leaving the house has gotten alot better, but I still find it to be a challenge as with everything else. Just because I'm able to leave the house, doesn't mean I'm getting better with people, or my OCD. It just means I can go somewhere else for an hour or two a day, which believe me, is a sweet relief compared to what I was like back in the day.

I must say that one hugely annoying thing about my Autism is that when some people ask me about it and I tell them some details, all they can say is:

"Oh yeah, i'm like that."

"I know the feeling"

"That always happens to me"

"Thats nothing, this one time..."

"Get over it"

Do you understand why I get so offended by comments like that? Do you go up to a terminally ill guy and say "I don't feel too good either, I have a cold"? I'm not comparing my situation to that of a terminally ill guy, but i'm pointing out how stupid it is to relate a tiny problem of yours to a massive problem of somebody else and expect sympathy. I would gladly sympathise with a person who has Autism or something similar, but not with someone who can do most of the things that I can't. How does talking to me about that shit help them? Does it make them feel better?

This doesn't mean that I never want to listen to anybody's problems, friendship goes both ways and I'm always a good listener, but please...show some respect.
For example; One person actually had the stupidity of asking me for advice on talking to people...I pointed out to them that I am the wrong person to ask about pathetic shit like that and that they had their head shoved quite far up their own ass for them not to understand that. They apoligised and went away with their tail between their legs. Was I too mean? Probably, but it's that kind of shit which would drive anybody up the wall. On the whole it's just a big misunderstanding.

Another misunderstanding is to think that I'm lazy. Yes, people have actually said to me that I use my "Autism" so I don't have to get a job, or that I don't even have it in the first place!
To those people...here's an idea, go home, set the place on fire and burn to death :). Once again...too harsh? Ehhhh, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. There's nothing wrong with speaking your mind though, I welcome all kinds of comments, just beware of the ramifications of them, I won't hold back if you won't.

Thanks for reading...I understand it's a very long post, but I'm just getting started with my blogging and I think it's a good subject to cover. There are things about my Autism which I would like to keep personal, they're not embarrassing or anything but I find it's good to keep some things to myself, I intend to keep most of my life private.

'Till next time....